Friday, October 15, 2010

Under the Sea

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was ecstatic. Petrified, but ecstatic. We waited so long for you. I worked so hard for you. And now, here you were. A little line on a stick telling me everything was going to change forever.
I immediately felt a need to protect you. Fiercer and stronger than anything I've ever felt before. I also felt acute awareness that I would never be able to fully protect you forever. This made me very sad. It was a fleeting thought I would not feel for another 8 months.
I watched you grow and move and form. I KNEW, KNEW, KNEW you were a girl from the moment I knew of your existence. I begrudgingly waited the 5 loooooong months for the sonogram confirmation. (One thing you will learn is I do not do surprises. I have all intention of them but then I just can't control myself. I tell your father everything beforehand. I won't do that to you, I promise!) When they told me you were in fact a girl it was more of an "I told you so" moment for me than anything else.
As the summer wound down to fall, I started getting excited to meet you soon! I also dreaded the fact that you were not coming home to your own room, in your own house or anything remotely "normal." More than dreaded this, it broke my heart. It still does.
I promise you your own room in your own home with a fireplace and a yard and a driveway that you can squeal with delight as you hear one of us pull up to come home to you. It's going to be amazing. You will run down the stairs Christmas morning and do all the things I always wanted. (relax Mom and Dad. I'm not mad.) This will be your reality soon. We promise you that.
Anyways...
So, when you were born that December morning, I remember thinking "There is another person in this room, who 1 second ago was not!" They showed you to me and then wisked you away before I really had a chance to see you. Daddy was pretty stoked about you from the beginning. He got to hold you first. As it should be :)
Fast Forward.
The first time I held you, I looked in your eyes and said "So you're what all the fuss was about huh?" And you just looked at me and looked and looked. It was awesome.
The reason for all the sentiment is this:
I have such big plans for you. And us. The very very first once just occured in a 2 minute stop time frame that will stay in my mind and my heart forever.
We just watched Ariel sing "Part of your World" for the first time. And you put your head against mine and held me to you. I will remember what you were wearing, the feel of your hair in my face, your little hands around my neck as I watched The Little Mermaid with my daughter.
The minute you touched me my heart stopped. Just like the first time you smiled at me, kissed me and said Mama. It's another first in a long line of them to come.
I love you my girl. My Little Mermaid.
Sincerely,
Your FOREVER-loving Mother

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